Hottest Audrey Griswolds

The “National Lampoon’s Vacation” movie series consisted of four entries released over a span of fourteen years (I don’t count the direct-to-video sequel “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure” nor do I count “Hotel Hell,” the HomeAway.com ad that starred Clark & Ellen Griswold and aired as a short film on the company’s website as a promotional tie-in to Super Bowl XLIV). Along with the “Fletch” movies and half of the “Caddyshack” movies, the “Vacation” movies helped Chevy Chase become a defining star of the 1980s. Interestingly enough, the dull box office performance and overall execution of 1997’s “Vegas Vacation” helped Chevy Chase become a defining star of 1990s failure.

Even though Chase’s “Clark Griswold” and Beverly D’Angelo’s “Ellen Griswold” characters retained the same actors in each of the four films, the roles of their children Rusty and Audrey changed with each entry. It even became an in-joke of sorts when, in the opening scenes of “Vegas Vacation,” Clark remarked to the fourth set of actors portraying his children “You kids are getting so old I hardly recognize you anymore!” Sadly, in a movie containing dialogue like “Where is the damn dam tour?,” this was one of the wittier lines of dialogue.

Anyway, I and many other males my age who grew up with the “Vacation” series saw one positive outcome of the third- and fourth-billed actors in each entry: four different Audreys. Between 1983’s “National Lampoon’s Vacation” and 1997’s “Vegas Vacation,” four different actresses were needed to play the role of the Griswolds’ adolescent daughter.

The burning question? How do the Audreys rate in terms of hotness?

1. Marisol Nichols, Vegas Vacation

Whether they’re compiling (or have compiled) a similar list themselves or not, anyone who has seen all four “Vacation” movies will agree that the hottest Audrey EVER was none other than Marisol Nichols. The producers must have taken note of her hotness as well, seeing as how they created a subplot wherein she temporarily becomes a cage dancer alongside her stripper/dancer cousin Vicki (who, despite being the offspring of Randy Quaid’s character, isn’t too shabby herself). Her conservative clothing early on in the film was permanently replaced with form-fitting dresses well before the film’s third act. It’s downright amazing that Clark or Rusty (or Ellen, for that matter) never participated in some hardcore incest with a hottie like that under their suburban Chicago roof. I personally would have rammed my Family Truckster into her repeatedly, blood relation or not.

You *know* Audrey has to be hot when Christie Brinkley appears in the movie (reprising her role from the first “Vacation”)…and she’s the SECOND hottest one in the flick.

Fun fact: Nichols and her on-screen brother, Ethan Embry, also appeared together in “Can’t Hardly Wait,” although Nichols’ “blink and you’ll miss her” cameo was in stark contrast to Embry’s starring role.

2. Dana Barron National Lampoon’s Vacation

Thanks to everything from the clothing choices to the hairstyles, it was damn near impossible for ANYONE in 1983 to appear even remotely attractive. I’m glad my birth certificate registers a 1980 birth year, because I don’t know what I would have done had my prime sexual years been the early 1980s.

Thankfully, guys of that particular age in 1983 had Dana Barron.

Cute as a button but still pretty smoking hot in a few scenes (the scene in which she and Rusty discuss a potential divorce between their parents after Ellen catches Clark swimming naked with Christie Brinkley comes to mind), Barron ranks a solid #2 after Nichols’ lead. Additionally, a few of the shirts she wears reveal that Audrey’s breasts are each roughly the size of Marty Moose. Then again, it’s not terribly difficult to look attractive when you’re standing next to Anthony Michael Hall for half of the movie, whose braces-covered overbite should have been properly credited as the character of Rusty.

Plus, she proves early on in the movie that she can kick her brother’s (and presumably her dad’s) ass in whatever the hell passed for video games back then.

Fun fact: Dana Barron is the only “Audrey” who actually reprised the role in a later sequel. Granted, the film was “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure,” but it’s still an interesting trivia point nonetheless.

3. Juliette Lewis, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

A lot of “hottest Audrey” lists may place Ms. Lewis in the #2 (or even #1) spot. I completely disagree with this assessment. True, Juliette Lewis was indeed pretty damn hot in her prime. Unfortunately, that hotness didn’t really develop until well into the 1990s, several years after the 1989 filming of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

While she has a semi-hot face, Lewis’ hair in this movie is what really loses her points. Screaming “1980s” louder than any pair of spandex or Rubik’s Cube ever could, it, like Anthony Michael Hall’s overbite, should have been its own character in the movie. She looked cute in the opening scenes of the movie with her outdoors hat covering most of her hair.

She makes up for the giant hair with a pretty damn nice body, highlighted by skintight outfits in several scenes, which is very uncommon for women in Chicago in December I would imagine. By the way, exactly how she suddenly became Rusty’s older sister after spending the previous two installments as his younger sibling is a mystery. That must have been one hell of a growth spurt.

Dana Hill, National Lampoon’s European Vacation

I almost feel bad “awarding” this last-place spot, seeing as how the actress who played Audrey, Dana Hill, had Type I diabetes and died from it at the young age of 32 in 1996. But some things need to be done.

Perhaps the “Vacation” series’ weakest entry also features its least-hottest Audrey. It’s safe to say that Audrey in this one is downright hideous. She looks more like Rusty than Jason Lively does and spends most of her scenes gorging food. While all of the other “Vacation” movies are capable of taking place in real life, the same cannot be said for this entry, primarily due to Audrey.

For one, she has a boyfriend (who ultimately breaks up with her for a mutual friend of theirs; apparently, while she was in Europe, her boyfriend had his sight restored). A girl who looks like that would NEVER have a boyfriend, not even if she was paying for it.

Secondly, John Astin’s “Kent Winkdale” character takes a page out of Richard Dawson’s book in the movie’s opening scene on the set of the fictitious game show “Pig in a Poke” and kisses his female contestants. A friendly kiss with Ellen ultimately leads to a full-blown make-out session with Audrey, much to the concern of Clark. John Astin spent a good chunk of the 1960s wrapping himself around Carolyn Jones’ sexy, shapely “Morticia Addams” on the old “Addams Family” TV series. There’s no WAY he would even WANT to THINK about TOUCHING a creature like Dana Hill, let alone assaulting her with his mouth. He’d hook up with Lurch first. I would say that he used a stunt kisser for that scene, but what guy would be desperate enough to make it in Hollywood to accept that role?

So, now it’s your turn, everyone. Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices? Do you have a favorite Audrey (or Rusty, for that matter)? Why?

Want to Have Some Nun?

My friend RedHot is an Irish step dancer. Actually, she excels at ALL forms of dance, making her the polar opposite of yours truly when it comes to the craft. When I attempt ANY dance, even the Twist, I do not appear even remotely graceful. Rather, I resemble a broken marionette puppet being operated by Michael J. Fox. To say that I suck at dancing is like saying the Pacific Ocean sucks at being dry.

Anyway, RedHot’s proficiency in Irish step dancing in particular has taken her to venues all over the country, both close to as well as far away from each year’s annual St. Patrick’s Day holiday. A New-York-City-based troupe with whom she toured recently touched down in the Big Apple suburb of Yonkers, New York. Since my only real plans on the date of her performance included choosing between beef-flavored or chicken-flavored instant ramen noodles for lunch, I decided to make my way north from Philadelphia to see her dance. Upon my arrival, I quickly discovered that “Yonkers” is apparently a word that is Gaelic (or possibly Japanese) for “town full of Irish Catholics no younger than my parents.” A main street through the town was lined with businesses whose signs were rarely without a shamrock, leprechaun, or the word “Irish.” We’re honestly talking businesses with names like “Paddy O’Malley’s Dry Cleaning.”

It was a far cry from the Bronx MTA station I had used to access the neighborhood. Located less than a mile from Clover City, the subway station, held together by graffiti, was smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood that I would call the “Detroit of Detroit.” It’s a neighborhood so bad that its main nighttime illumination source does not come from street lamps (which were stolen a LONG time ago) but rather from the moonlight reflecting off of the used crack pipes, malt liquor bottles, and blood puddles carpeting the street. It’s so bad there that you aren’t considered officially shot unless you’ve been hit by 5 or more bullets.

RedHot’s performance was held in, of all places, a church. The church was either defective or God wasn’t paying attention (gee, when does THAT ever happen? Cancer patients and homeless people, don’t answer that), as I failed to burst into flames immediately upon entry. Once inside, I noted that the dance numbers performed by her troupe, as well as her solo routine, went off without a hitch. She did just as great a job of dancing as I would have of falling on my face and dislocating a major body part, such as my ass.

During the show’s intermission, I bypassed the G-rated refreshments and used the little leprechaun’s room. On my way back, I passed a group of the church’s nuns. One of them, as is standard, was approximately 10 billion years old and most likely predated the entire Catholic faith. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if I was told that this nun spanked the actual Jesus Christ with a prehistoric ruler during the Son of God’s school days. However, a multi-era gap separated her from the other nuns in the group.

The other sisters were YOUNG. And CUTE.

Of course, I checked them out. The years of public schooling, “Beavis and Butt-head,” and Tucker Max essays that stood between the present and my abandoning of the Catholic faith led me to think thoughts like “I can do things to you that your rosary NEVER could!”

Holy shit. Was I really objectifying NUNS in a CHURCH? Religious or not, that’s a pretty messed-up thing to do.

Sadly, the only thing I regret about doing this was that it made me feel old. Traditionally, nuns have always been frail old ladies with 3-digit Social Security Numbers or stern, middle-aged women who looked more like Tom Arnold than anything remotely resembling a female. Attractiveness was NEVER a characteristic. Were young cute girls really becoming nuns or am I now so old and senile that I was actually checking out nuns falling into one of the previous sentence’s two categories?

Before I made an attempt to perform the first carnal activity in the church that did NOT involve an altar boy, I composed myself, took my seat, and enjoyed the rest of the show. While occasionally glancing at the nuns, of course.