Hottest Audrey Griswolds

The “National Lampoon’s Vacation” movie series consisted of four entries released over a span of fourteen years (I don’t count the direct-to-video sequel “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure” nor do I count “Hotel Hell,” the HomeAway.com ad that starred Clark & Ellen Griswold and aired as a short film on the company’s website as a promotional tie-in to Super Bowl XLIV). Along with the “Fletch” movies and half of the “Caddyshack” movies, the “Vacation” movies helped Chevy Chase become a defining star of the 1980s. Interestingly enough, the dull box office performance and overall execution of 1997’s “Vegas Vacation” helped Chevy Chase become a defining star of 1990s failure.

Even though Chase’s “Clark Griswold” and Beverly D’Angelo’s “Ellen Griswold” characters retained the same actors in each of the four films, the roles of their children Rusty and Audrey changed with each entry. It even became an in-joke of sorts when, in the opening scenes of “Vegas Vacation,” Clark remarked to the fourth set of actors portraying his children “You kids are getting so old I hardly recognize you anymore!” Sadly, in a movie containing dialogue like “Where is the damn dam tour?,” this was one of the wittier lines of dialogue.

Anyway, I and many other males my age who grew up with the “Vacation” series saw one positive outcome of the third- and fourth-billed actors in each entry: four different Audreys. Between 1983’s “National Lampoon’s Vacation” and 1997’s “Vegas Vacation,” four different actresses were needed to play the role of the Griswolds’ adolescent daughter.

The burning question? How do the Audreys rate in terms of hotness?

1. Marisol Nichols, Vegas Vacation

Whether they’re compiling (or have compiled) a similar list themselves or not, anyone who has seen all four “Vacation” movies will agree that the hottest Audrey EVER was none other than Marisol Nichols. The producers must have taken note of her hotness as well, seeing as how they created a subplot wherein she temporarily becomes a cage dancer alongside her stripper/dancer cousin Vicki (who, despite being the offspring of Randy Quaid’s character, isn’t too shabby herself). Her conservative clothing early on in the film was permanently replaced with form-fitting dresses well before the film’s third act. It’s downright amazing that Clark or Rusty (or Ellen, for that matter) never participated in some hardcore incest with a hottie like that under their suburban Chicago roof. I personally would have rammed my Family Truckster into her repeatedly, blood relation or not.

You *know* Audrey has to be hot when Christie Brinkley appears in the movie (reprising her role from the first “Vacation”)…and she’s the SECOND hottest one in the flick.

Fun fact: Nichols and her on-screen brother, Ethan Embry, also appeared together in “Can’t Hardly Wait,” although Nichols’ “blink and you’ll miss her” cameo was in stark contrast to Embry’s starring role.

2. Dana Barron National Lampoon’s Vacation

Thanks to everything from the clothing choices to the hairstyles, it was damn near impossible for ANYONE in 1983 to appear even remotely attractive. I’m glad my birth certificate registers a 1980 birth year, because I don’t know what I would have done had my prime sexual years been the early 1980s.

Thankfully, guys of that particular age in 1983 had Dana Barron.

Cute as a button but still pretty smoking hot in a few scenes (the scene in which she and Rusty discuss a potential divorce between their parents after Ellen catches Clark swimming naked with Christie Brinkley comes to mind), Barron ranks a solid #2 after Nichols’ lead. Additionally, a few of the shirts she wears reveal that Audrey’s breasts are each roughly the size of Marty Moose. Then again, it’s not terribly difficult to look attractive when you’re standing next to Anthony Michael Hall for half of the movie, whose braces-covered overbite should have been properly credited as the character of Rusty.

Plus, she proves early on in the movie that she can kick her brother’s (and presumably her dad’s) ass in whatever the hell passed for video games back then.

Fun fact: Dana Barron is the only “Audrey” who actually reprised the role in a later sequel. Granted, the film was “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure,” but it’s still an interesting trivia point nonetheless.

3. Juliette Lewis, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

A lot of “hottest Audrey” lists may place Ms. Lewis in the #2 (or even #1) spot. I completely disagree with this assessment. True, Juliette Lewis was indeed pretty damn hot in her prime. Unfortunately, that hotness didn’t really develop until well into the 1990s, several years after the 1989 filming of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

While she has a semi-hot face, Lewis’ hair in this movie is what really loses her points. Screaming “1980s” louder than any pair of spandex or Rubik’s Cube ever could, it, like Anthony Michael Hall’s overbite, should have been its own character in the movie. She looked cute in the opening scenes of the movie with her outdoors hat covering most of her hair.

She makes up for the giant hair with a pretty damn nice body, highlighted by skintight outfits in several scenes, which is very uncommon for women in Chicago in December I would imagine. By the way, exactly how she suddenly became Rusty’s older sister after spending the previous two installments as his younger sibling is a mystery. That must have been one hell of a growth spurt.

Dana Hill, National Lampoon’s European Vacation

I almost feel bad “awarding” this last-place spot, seeing as how the actress who played Audrey, Dana Hill, had Type I diabetes and died from it at the young age of 32 in 1996. But some things need to be done.

Perhaps the “Vacation” series’ weakest entry also features its least-hottest Audrey. It’s safe to say that Audrey in this one is downright hideous. She looks more like Rusty than Jason Lively does and spends most of her scenes gorging food. While all of the other “Vacation” movies are capable of taking place in real life, the same cannot be said for this entry, primarily due to Audrey.

For one, she has a boyfriend (who ultimately breaks up with her for a mutual friend of theirs; apparently, while she was in Europe, her boyfriend had his sight restored). A girl who looks like that would NEVER have a boyfriend, not even if she was paying for it.

Secondly, John Astin’s “Kent Winkdale” character takes a page out of Richard Dawson’s book in the movie’s opening scene on the set of the fictitious game show “Pig in a Poke” and kisses his female contestants. A friendly kiss with Ellen ultimately leads to a full-blown make-out session with Audrey, much to the concern of Clark. John Astin spent a good chunk of the 1960s wrapping himself around Carolyn Jones’ sexy, shapely “Morticia Addams” on the old “Addams Family” TV series. There’s no WAY he would even WANT to THINK about TOUCHING a creature like Dana Hill, let alone assaulting her with his mouth. He’d hook up with Lurch first. I would say that he used a stunt kisser for that scene, but what guy would be desperate enough to make it in Hollywood to accept that role?

So, now it’s your turn, everyone. Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices? Do you have a favorite Audrey (or Rusty, for that matter)? Why?

I Have The Perfect Fingernail

I’m kind of bummed. I can no longer say that I have never had a European salesman give me 1/10 of a manicure in the middle of a mall. I should have realized that every person must eventually reach this point in his or her life…but I did not expect it to happen so soon. Allow me to elaborate upon my situation for those of you who are lucky enough to still have all ten of your fingernails devoid of such a practice.

I was wandering around the mall, lost in my own thoughts (among them: is it OK for a hypocrite to hate hypocrites?). I guess I wasn’t aware that it was early afternoon on a weekday, a time of day which sees very few people wandering throughout the hallways. So, I blindly wandered past a kiosk selling various hand lotions and the like…when all of a sudden, out he came. A salesman. He was babbling away some sales pitch in a thick European accent and gesturing me towards his stand. Having nothing better to do, I went over with him and was rather surprised when he developed an immediate affection for my fingernails.

He quickly told me about how people should care for their fingernails but, in reality, they do not; from the way he was talking, it sounded like he cared more about this than, say, the threat of nuclear war. I mean, I take care of my body, but individual fingernail care is pretty much limited to nail clipping or biting. This guy would not stand for my method of nail care; to him, I was probably the Kim Jong Il of the fingernail world. And I would continue to be known as this unless I used this specific nail care kit from this specific mall kiosk and purchased from this specific salesman. Before I could utter, “Leave me alone now”, he was vigorously scrubbing the nail of my index finger with the kit’s special eraser-shaped brush; he was scrubbing it as if it had 8 weeks’ worth of grime on it, as opposed to what was really there (7 weeks’ worth of grime). He explained to me the purpose of each of the three sides of the brush, all of which were met with my uniform, partly-enthusiastic reply of “ah.”

Next came the lotion, which this guy seemed VERY exited about, almost to the point of ejaculation. He dabbed a few drops of this substance onto my hastily-scrubbed fingernail. Its fragrance was a rather pleasant odor and smelled just like, to put it artistically, I had shoved my finger into a bottle of lotion. With lotion on nail and grime on brush, he asked me if I was ready to see my “actual nail.” I replied with “I guess,” spoken in a tone that was barely a fraction of the excitement he was exhibiting. Holding my hand up to the light, I saw…

A fingernail. That’s it. Sure, it was a bit smoother and a shade or two cleaner than its nine siblings, but that’s all. It was a fingernail. The way this guy was talking, you would think this nail care kit turned the tip of my finger into gold or something. It was at this time that he attempted to reel me in by reeling my wallet out.

“This kit come with the lotion, the brush, everything…for only $29.99.” Now having worked in retail, I could have responded with any number of refusals that I personally have heard customers say/shout to me, ranging from “No thanks” to “Leave me the fuck alone.” Instead, my reply was a simple “I only have eight dollars on me.” And what did he say to that? “My friend,” he began, apparently thinking that while he was scrubbing my nail that he and I had become close allies. “I tell you what: you my first customer today, so here’s what I do. I give you 20% off. That’s the best I can do.” What are friends for, right? I really didn’t know how he expected me to react to this offer; was I supposed to say, “Hmm, well maybe I really have TEN dollars on me” and so on and so forth, until eventually wet met somewhere around $15? And while the $24 First Customer sale price was tempting (had I been a millionaire, that is), I still stood my $8 ground.

“Who comes to the mall with eight dollars?” This is what he actually said. He said it as if doing so was a horrendous crime. I almost expected him to take the brush and rub the grime back into my fingernail. Fortunately, it did not come to that and, since he couldn’t offer enough discounts to match my current financial situation, we parted ways. Today, that nail is still painfully smooth and reflects light in such a way that it blinds anyone standing within 10 feet of me. Despite what I may have gained, I am still a tad bummed that I have crossed the line that divides having your fingernail scrubbed by a European salesman in a mall.