The “National Lampoon’s Vacation” movie series consisted of four entries released over a span of fourteen years (I don’t count the direct-to-video sequel “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure” nor do I count “Hotel Hell,” the HomeAway.com ad that starred Clark & Ellen Griswold and aired as a short film on the company’s website as a promotional tie-in to Super Bowl XLIV). Along with the “Fletch” movies and half of the “Caddyshack” movies, the “Vacation” movies helped Chevy Chase become a defining star of the 1980s. Interestingly enough, the dull box office performance and overall execution of 1997’s “Vegas Vacation” helped Chevy Chase become a defining star of 1990s failure.
Even though Chase’s “Clark Griswold” and Beverly D’Angelo’s “Ellen Griswold” characters retained the same actors in each of the four films, the roles of their children Rusty and Audrey changed with each entry. It even became an in-joke of sorts when, in the opening scenes of “Vegas Vacation,” Clark remarked to the fourth set of actors portraying his children “You kids are getting so old I hardly recognize you anymore!” Sadly, in a movie containing dialogue like “Where is the damn dam tour?,” this was one of the wittier lines of dialogue.
Anyway, I and many other males my age who grew up with the “Vacation” series saw one positive outcome of the third- and fourth-billed actors in each entry: four different Audreys. Between 1983’s “National Lampoon’s Vacation” and 1997’s “Vegas Vacation,” four different actresses were needed to play the role of the Griswolds’ adolescent daughter.
The burning question? How do the Audreys rate in terms of hotness?
1. Marisol Nichols, Vegas Vacation
Whether they’re compiling (or have compiled) a similar list themselves or not, anyone who has seen all four “Vacation” movies will agree that the hottest Audrey EVER was none other than Marisol Nichols. The producers must have taken note of her hotness as well, seeing as how they created a subplot wherein she temporarily becomes a cage dancer alongside her stripper/dancer cousin Vicki (who, despite being the offspring of Randy Quaid’s character, isn’t too shabby herself). Her conservative clothing early on in the film was permanently replaced with form-fitting dresses well before the film’s third act. It’s downright amazing that Clark or Rusty (or Ellen, for that matter) never participated in some hardcore incest with a hottie like that under their suburban Chicago roof. I personally would have rammed my Family Truckster into her repeatedly, blood relation or not.
You *know* Audrey has to be hot when Christie Brinkley appears in the movie (reprising her role from the first “Vacation”)…and she’s the SECOND hottest one in the flick.
Fun fact: Nichols and her on-screen brother, Ethan Embry, also appeared together in “Can’t Hardly Wait,” although Nichols’ “blink and you’ll miss her” cameo was in stark contrast to Embry’s starring role.
2. Dana Barron National Lampoon’s Vacation
Thanks to everything from the clothing choices to the hairstyles, it was damn near impossible for ANYONE in 1983 to appear even remotely attractive. I’m glad my birth certificate registers a 1980 birth year, because I don’t know what I would have done had my prime sexual years been the early 1980s.
Thankfully, guys of that particular age in 1983 had Dana Barron.
Cute as a button but still pretty smoking hot in a few scenes (the scene in which she and Rusty discuss a potential divorce between their parents after Ellen catches Clark swimming naked with Christie Brinkley comes to mind), Barron ranks a solid #2 after Nichols’ lead. Additionally, a few of the shirts she wears reveal that Audrey’s breasts are each roughly the size of Marty Moose. Then again, it’s not terribly difficult to look attractive when you’re standing next to Anthony Michael Hall for half of the movie, whose braces-covered overbite should have been properly credited as the character of Rusty.
Plus, she proves early on in the movie that she can kick her brother’s (and presumably her dad’s) ass in whatever the hell passed for video games back then.
Fun fact: Dana Barron is the only “Audrey” who actually reprised the role in a later sequel. Granted, the film was “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure,” but it’s still an interesting trivia point nonetheless.
3. Juliette Lewis, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
A lot of “hottest Audrey” lists may place Ms. Lewis in the #2 (or even #1) spot. I completely disagree with this assessment. True, Juliette Lewis was indeed pretty damn hot in her prime. Unfortunately, that hotness didn’t really develop until well into the 1990s, several years after the 1989 filming of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”
While she has a semi-hot face, Lewis’ hair in this movie is what really loses her points. Screaming “1980s” louder than any pair of spandex or Rubik’s Cube ever could, it, like Anthony Michael Hall’s overbite, should have been its own character in the movie. She looked cute in the opening scenes of the movie with her outdoors hat covering most of her hair.
She makes up for the giant hair with a pretty damn nice body, highlighted by skintight outfits in several scenes, which is very uncommon for women in Chicago in December I would imagine. By the way, exactly how she suddenly became Rusty’s older sister after spending the previous two installments as his younger sibling is a mystery. That must have been one hell of a growth spurt.
Dana Hill, National Lampoon’s European Vacation
I almost feel bad “awarding” this last-place spot, seeing as how the actress who played Audrey, Dana Hill, had Type I diabetes and died from it at the young age of 32 in 1996. But some things need to be done.
Perhaps the “Vacation” series’ weakest entry also features its least-hottest Audrey. It’s safe to say that Audrey in this one is downright hideous. She looks more like Rusty than Jason Lively does and spends most of her scenes gorging food. While all of the other “Vacation” movies are capable of taking place in real life, the same cannot be said for this entry, primarily due to Audrey.
For one, she has a boyfriend (who ultimately breaks up with her for a mutual friend of theirs; apparently, while she was in Europe, her boyfriend had his sight restored). A girl who looks like that would NEVER have a boyfriend, not even if she was paying for it.
Secondly, John Astin’s “Kent Winkdale” character takes a page out of Richard Dawson’s book in the movie’s opening scene on the set of the fictitious game show “Pig in a Poke” and kisses his female contestants. A friendly kiss with Ellen ultimately leads to a full-blown make-out session with Audrey, much to the concern of Clark. John Astin spent a good chunk of the 1960s wrapping himself around Carolyn Jones’ sexy, shapely “Morticia Addams” on the old “Addams Family” TV series. There’s no WAY he would even WANT to THINK about TOUCHING a creature like Dana Hill, let alone assaulting her with his mouth. He’d hook up with Lurch first. I would say that he used a stunt kisser for that scene, but what guy would be desperate enough to make it in Hollywood to accept that role?
So, now it’s your turn, everyone. Do you agree or disagree with any of my choices? Do you have a favorite Audrey (or Rusty, for that matter)? Why?
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