It’s the End of the World as They Know It

As you read these very words, the planet Earth is in its final moments of existence, if a handful of billboard-raising religious nuts are to be believed (and really, if we can’t trust THEM, who really CAN we trust?!). According to preacher Harold Camping, the Fred Phelps of this particular arm of religion, one particular interpretation of the Bible gives May 21, 2011 as Judgment Day. Instead of carting him off to a white padded room and injecting him with enough drugs to knock a whale/elk/James Earl Jones on its ass, some folks out there actually AGREE with his statement. Granted, this is for good reason: Camping’s failed prediction that the world would see its demise in 1994 means that the guy sure as hell has experience in picking out Judgment Day.

Needless to say, this whole Rapture thing bothers me.

Why?

Is it the whole “end of the world” part? No. First of all, I’m an atheist, meaning the day I choose to believe in any sort of god is the day I also believe in the existence of Santa Claus, Jiminy Cricket, or a funny Will Ferrell movie. Furthermore, look at today’s damn society. Hearing news that it is going to end forever would be happily welcomed by me; I wouldn’t be bothered in the least.

Is it the stupidity fueling this campaign? No. The fact that “American Idol” is still on TV and that Lady Gaga tops the “Most Influential Celebrities” list (hell, the mere fact that we even HAVE a “Most Influential Celebrities” list) is proof positive that most people have the IQ of pubic lice’s pubic lice. I’m used to the stupidity of the masses by now. I will admit, though, that I am slightly irked by Camping blaming his busted 1994 proclamation on a mathematical error. Since when were religious nuts people of math and science? It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that at least half of the folks buying into the May 21 Rapture date still think our planet is flat.

What bothers me to the point of column formation here is that this whole episode is the latest proof of how LAZY people have gotten. I’ll admit that I’m no champion of activity myself; single machines do my cooking and dishwashing and I opt to simultaneously celebrate “cleaning day” and “new equinox.” But I’m not THAT lazy. When I drive, I don’t circle parking lots for hours until a space adjacent to the handicapped spots opens up. I WALK. And I also think those who treat escalators and people movers as rides on which you remain stationary should be put to death and have their corpses urinated upon.

The May 21 folks exemplify this laziness. Remember Heaven’s Gate? For those of you who don’t, it was a late 1990s cult that believed leader Marshall Applewhite’s deadly Kool-Aid would land them aboard the UFO supposedly trailing the Hale-Bopp comet. Those people would be spinning in their graves, Nikes and all, if they learned about the Rapture idiots. Why? Because they went and DID SOMETHING to realize their insane proclamation. Both groups possess similarly dumb ideas: one believed that death equaled spaceship entry while the other believes that a Middle Eastern carpenter zombie is going to go around picking favorites. The difference was that Heaven’s Gate did some work. They rented a compound. They bought Nikes. They mixed Kool-Aid.

The Rapture folks are doing NOTHING.

They expect their precious deity, the same one who stood them up in 1994, to do all the work for them. Sure, they bought some billboard space and freaked out at news reporters, but ANYONE (*cough*Donald Trump*cough*) can do that! Not a single member of this cult even prepared REGULAR Kool-Aid. Your precious savior is taking time out of his busy schedule of appearing in frying pan grease and playing soccer to play judge, jury, and executioner to eight billion people…and you can’t even prepare JUICE? Isn’t the world supposed to heat up to like 9 zillion degrees (almost TWICE as hot as Phoenix)? Some juice would be appreciated!

I will close this piece with a letter to the aliens flying in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet.

Dear aliens,

You were lucky. You got some thoughtful and effort-expending folks back there in 1997. In case you need any product for your soylent green, I can point you to a crapload of people to choose from. Just don’t give them the satisfaction of taking them on May 21.

Go back in time and take them on May 20.

Love, Mike

PS: When you decide to terminate Earth, “Independence Day” style, I will fight on your side.